I'm by no means the most interesting person in this world. I know a couple of people who are interesting enough and entertaining, but here's the thing. No one wants to be the one who isn't that person. So you found yourself a bunch of like minded emo kids on the web and myspace says you have one bazilion friends whom you've never met. Don't add me on facebook, i don't want to be your friend. I don't know you. Here, read this and get it out of your system. Nothing can make you whole, you have to already be that way. And if you aren't, a bunch of anonymous people like me cant' do that for you. Bye

It's always been someone or something. I don't think I have a void that needs filling, i think i want a void that needs filling. I'm not broken ... damaged maybe. I substitute people in between other people because i want to need them and i want to be needed back. It can't possibly be healthy, not for me or for the people who i've managed to convince they need me. I let go of them when i think they're getting bored of me, and i find someone new who I assume i can't possibly need ... and then .... then i want to need them. I need all the time. I need them to want me. I want them to need me.

I dont' believe in this busines, the one of breaking hearts that is, have we all become blinded by the poets of the world who assume that the heart is where everything gets going hence it must be the death of us. I have a theory, the theory goes something like people break people not hearts, so yeah you feel it in your heart first but there's lots more that gets broken. Like after a car crash and broken bones, they heal but they'll never be the same.

 

Everything's gotta heal again, the arms you traced your fingers down, the stomach you caressed, the fingers you linked with yours, the eyes that sparkled with the samed excitement you felt as you looked into them, the lips you once traced with your tongue, the skin you had pressed against your own ... its all gotta heal again, and of course your broken heart. You leave and you leave behind a broken person not just a broken heart.

 

People break people. Not hearts.

 

XXX

Su

hey peeps, this blog is gonna be an entry by the little goth in training, i created this monster .... "its" (as our friend haydn so calls her) name is Raa, and here is its first blog:

 

Firstly i'm a chicky, secondly i don't know what to say though, except haydn's an arse .  Hello everyone who was at woodstock, i just wanna say i beat you all to the space as the youngest of the lot to have been at woodstock!!!! Thanks to misha for that one, hey mish can i have a pony for my birthday???!!?? I'm gonna be sixteen, this blog is uneventful. I'm going back to sleep, it is after all a sunday morning!

 

 

Back to madam su.

moo moo, go back to studying. Misha if you study today then you don't have to study on sunday (next week) who's up for a post exam party? Say aye!

 

 

 

XXX

Su and Raa

I don't know what got me to thinking about it but i was wondering about being older (supposing i make it past that prime old age of 28). Imagine where you'll be .... great, got it? Now scrap that thought and imagine all the people you know. Currently most of the people i know are studying but i mean you think about things like 'if i was actually studying now and i passed stats on wednesday maybe i'll actually be a financial manager one day'  and then you look at Moo moo and you think if that boy is gonna study and then become an engineer where on earth will he work, and whats an engineer look like? Mikey i can't for the life of me imagine as an engineer, he's just so small and sweet and yes he's just Mikey, i see him in business suit selling insurance  ..., Marc and Kevin and Mark i can't imagine as anything other than engineers while i fear i throw Sebastian in the same pot as Mikey, mostly cos the boy is tiny (petite if you will).  Alan i've never imagined as an engineer he did get the idea in my head of him being some sort of game ranger (though i may not have heard probably and my age makes recollection a weak point) and for some reason i can imagine him doing that. Sean that stupid bastard, dude its a good thing you're not an engineer any longer but, what the fuck do you do with a degree in bloody GeoInformatics????? I mean seriously do a systems analysis of the weather? I remember a Richard .... his dad did horrid things to sheep. He could be an engineer. Priya, now i see her as the mad scientist not necessarily the chemical engineer of the future.

 

Who can really imagine Hina being anything but a mummy, and the minute we get our degrees she's going to say "Su you're old enough to take care of yourself and i'm not making you chocolate biscuits anymore." I can see Billy taking over the world with her Financial Management degree, Richard Branson will find you billy, he'll find you!!! Jeanette will be awesome in the boardroom, i can just imagine her listening to someone's presentation and going "all i hear is blah blah blah i'm a dirty whore ... now go fix it" Jo will inevitably be studying part time to become a journalist despite her father's wishes. Sam will be an interesting person to see in the future, i've never imagined her doing anything more than watching rugby?! That rounds off the commerce people.

 

Ah the lawyers, Thuli, Avani, Vee and Melissa, well the good thing is when i'm in trouble (which i inevitably will be) i shall have peeps to helps me out. All of them are much too quiet to ever yell at anyone ... good thing lawyers are civilized these days. Untill Avz comes to join me at the circus, its all rather final once your degree is in your hands and you no longer have to pass stats.

 

Doctor Braude, wow! Now that is something, i shall never trust a crazy person again. Undoubtedly Misha would have driven me insane and i would need a shrink and he'll recomend a looney friend of his and i'll become even more crazy and the cirus will abandon me and it'll be back to the boardroom with me. Its all too much to take in.

 

*sigh*

 

XXX

Su

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In life you sure do get your fair share of cock-ups, i mean really for reason that you could possibly fathom (mostly cos you're pretending to be a good girl for santa) you get shot by some unmarked sniper. Not enough to kill you cos that would just be to fucking perfect, instead it merely injures you, wounding part of you eternally (undoubtedly the heart that loves is located elsewhere to your heart that keeps you alive) and by part i mean that part that beats and loves etc etc blah blah blah.  But yeah i mean what on earth is up with that. Surely if i've been a nice person (which i am :-P) you deserve nicer treatment in life, not just some random attacks that you're not expecting just whenever the fuck it decides that you're next and i may yet again have lost my point, but i'm angrier now than when i starting writing this so i think its time to stop before i have another one of my mini explosions (its not gas i swear ...)

 

XxXx

Su

Misha said "I think we're all stupid really." I had to admit the boy made sense, everyone with their own version of them being the one eyed man in the world of the blind .... sorry to be the one to have to drop the bomb but really you're in the real world and there isn't really a world of the blind where you can be king. So if no one's king what on earth are we all waiting for? Christmas? Hanuka? Though i'm not sure where those holidays fit into my general thought process, i just like saying Christmas and Hanuka.

 

So we're all a little stupid and no matter what we do we'll always think that way .... and i seem to be losing my point on this again .... my conversation was better last night .... i'll get back to understanding this at a later point .... work awaits .... god, if i here that fucking blue october song one more time i'm gonna scream .......

 

 

 

XXX

Su

 

 

 

I think everyone's got their problems but no one really cares to acknowledge just how deep they go. It's the long instances we spend alone with ourselves that make us realize just how fucking shitty our lives are so we end up subjecting ourselves to society's cure. Marriage and love and just the general idea of having someone to love! God what a load of bull. I mean i'm not even being miserable and bitter, i'm just saying that we shouldn't have to conform here. We should be fine by ourselves shouldn't we? So you're a bit messed up and you can't count past five but hey, as long as they're your own problems it doesn't matter. I mean surely the real trouble begins when we decide that we need to SHARE OUR LIVES WITH SOMEONE. Then its all sharing and caring, then your problems become their problems ... and then you've just got more problems 'cause you're sharing and now he's got your problems and she's got her problems and now everyone has problems.

 

hmmmmmmmmmm, i'm not really sure where i was going with that. Perhaps i should be doing homework?

If life is short why the foggy am i not dead yet, unless of course .... the end is approaching. Anyone wanna come hold my hand while i go off to get tested for like diabities or a brain tumour? Anybody really want me to die, cos i mean supposing i die and someone actually finds this blog (i'm assuming no one is gonna read it while i'm still alive), then they're going to think that i have a death wish, which i don't. I mean sure i wanna die but no one wants to live forever, i just don't wanna live for as long as most other people wanna live, i wanna live till i'm 28 and then die in a horrific  .... or maybe subtle way. I figure cancer is good though, slow and painful ... perhaps i should feed my cancer genes (oh boy i hope russel never reads this after i mocked him for using that stupid line).

 

I wonder who'd be at my funeral? My tens of thousands of family members yes, but who after that? And would Vicky bring Keith? I mean realistically speaking, I NEVER EVEN MET THE MAN. Though i did speak to him and his accent was awefully charming. misha would come and betsy, but who else? Sebastian and Pranay, i mean they rock! Cherian and .... hmmmmmmmmm would Marc come too? Would marc bring Carla? Ha (oh god it's haydn's laugh thinger .... ooh scary). Of course he'd bring her and maybe megan too Revrend Greenland and the cow of course would not attend considering she probably thinks i can make her brown! Colleen?! Billy and Jo and Jeanette, Hina, V, Mel, Sam? OH FUCK i just made an invitation list to my own funeral.

 

Ok so maybe informatics wasn't THAT bad

 ... NOPE IT WAS!!!!!

 

I'm going to go cry softly into my pillow before taking out my economics text book to study for tomorrows paper!

 

XXX

Su